9th Feb.- Chocolate day

Did you get your share of chocolate? This is the question in most of minds round here. Well!! I must confess no chocolates for me (except that one of my friends’ offered me some candy).

Frankly speaking these days are not meant for singles. Or maybe, the entire valentine week isn’t. But it is really fascinating, I mean there is no need to show off in love, but yes, celebrations are appreciated once in a while. Rose day, propose day, kiss day, hug day, teddy day, promise day and finally valentine day, yes 7 great days to appreciate your love in a special way!

I gave a chocolate to a boy, aged 11, who handles a nearby grocery store. Actually that shop belongs to his father but he was out regarding his insurance work. This kid, who is barely, 3.6 feet tall (approx), was trying his best to deal with his customers. We had asked for a sachet of shampoo and this kid was finding it difficult to take it out cause it was kept at a greater height. But his determination, must say was splendid. He brought a chair, and in spite of me saying not to climb it, because I feared he would fall, he managed to bring down the sachets. There was a spark in him, to achieve, to work and to fulfil his ambitions even if they seemed tough at his age and his reach.

And then I realised that there was nothing to be demoralised about. If that kid, who at this age should be playing around with is friends or maybe going to school, is running his father’s grocery store so well, then we, who have all luxuries should not make commotion about silly things. Amidst the Huss and fuss, of college kids celebrating valentine week, I came across this kid, who had nothing to celebrate but yet was so composed.

Life is to live. Problems would arise but accept it, face it and get the best out of everything.

THIS WAS THE BEST CHOCOLATE DAY I EVER CELEBRATED…THANKS KIDDO…YOU INSPIRED ME REALLY!!!

Its 19th September, 12:18 am and here I am listening one of the tracks “ aaj din chadiya”, by Rahet Ali Khan. Yes, people may think that there isn’t anything great about it. But I guess; there is something definitely great about it. Right now I am sitting in the Ladies Waiting room at Lucknow station. Yups! It quite late. But I have to catch a train early morning at 6:20. As my hostel is a bit too far it would have been difficult for me to come that early. Though two of my friends volunteered to take the responsibility of bringing us to station early morning, I felt like trying out a night out at railway station.

My parents were a little angry about this night out at railway station stuff. But I had no options cause this trip to home was planned suddenly after a mass bunk declared in class. And arranging for tickets so soon isn’t really possible. That is why we had to opt for this morning train. By “we” I mean an other friend of mine. She also resides in Patna. We would be going along. Presently she is with two of my other classmates, who had come all along to enquire about our well being. Now, it might strike as to why I am not out with them. This is actually because I was hit by a bike today while coming to the station. We were travelling in a rickshaw when a bike from opposite direction came and hit my leg. I got hurt. It’s paining but the intensity of this injury measured tomorrow morning I guess! And as for the guy who hit me, I don’t know whether it was because of the dim light on road or his poor concentration or actually because he was looking at the rickshaw and not in front, he ended up doing this. I started to panic but seeing that the crowd could create a scene, I kept mum. And this is the reason that I am alone in this room, as my friends feel that I should take rest so that this injury gets better.

Too many new experiences as for today. I mean, a hit by a bike & a night out at the railway station. But itsn’t that bad as it sounds. This Waiting Room is kind of good. It’s a big hall consisting of attached bathrooms. There are two ceiling fans and two AC’s for maintaining cool environment. Apart from me there are two aunties, who are busy chatting as they have to catch a train at 2 am.

I have to spend about 5 and a half hour more here. I guess, I would be watching some movies. Actually, I just completed watching a movie a few minutes back. “LITTILE MANHATHON”, was a very cute movie. A movie about two kids. Gabe, 10 & Rosemary, 11. Gabe has a all boy’s group before he meets Rosemary in karate classes after which he starts liking her. The story has a good ending. A must watch because it is an innocent tale of two kids!

Two hours later:-

It’s getting kind of cold here. And to my horror I haven’t brought any bed sheets along. And I had to no option but to use my friend’s bed sheet. But it is also not helping cause it’s really cold. And I have done something stupid right now. But it feels better. I have actually taken out two more tops out of my bag and presently I am wearing three of them. I notice another girl has entered the waiting room and she is smiling cause I am looking funny. But who cares! As long as I don’t feel cold, it’s ok. And I am going for a nap again. Good night!

Its 5:30 a.m. I was woken by mummy’s call. She said that I should get ready. Well! I think I slept for two hours or so. But this injury has worsened. It has swelled up. I hope my bone hasn’t cracked but I can walk so it’s not a crack definitely. As about the whole episode of ‘night out on a waiting room’ is concerned, I am happy it’s over. It was a drastic one and I realised it during midnight when it was freezing cold and I was literally shivering. So no more night outs like this in future for sure. And as of now I should get ready for my train.

Whenever I fill a slam book, the one question I get stuck at is “the most embarrassing moment of my life”. But I got an answer to it now.

It all happened this noon. It is Friday today. We didn’t have a class and that is why I was in hostel from morning. My friend, who had gone to college, for some personal work, told me that very less people had turned up. Moreover I was not feeling well so I thought of going to the mess in the same Capri and top that I was wearing in hostel. Now let me mention that mess is a 5min way from hostel. So I thought that I would hardly matter as to what I wore and nobody would actually notice such an insignificant thing.

To my horror, mess was overcrowded today. But I was pretty cool about it! Cause even guys go to mess in their pyjamas and shorts during college hours if they don’t have a class.

On my way to mess, most of everyone who noticed stared as if I had committed a crime. As a matter of fact, I actually don’t care about these craps and I am used to people staring at me for varied other reasons too, so it was ok!

As I entered, a group of my classmates were sitting there. “Bullshit! What are they doing here?” this was the only question in my mind. “Look at her”, and then laughter. Man! I felt so awkward! I mean I am so particular when it comes to dressing and all, and how can this happen. But this was not it. It had to be worse. When I was taking food, someone commented “hey! What is she wearing?”
Damm! How can someone say like this? I have full rights to wear whatever I feel like. And moreover I wasn’t well. I was hungry, so I had taken the pains to turn up to mess.

Anyways I waited for my classmates to leave before I did because I was in no mood to hear any of it again. And why should I, I roam around in the same campus, with this same dress on, after college and nobody comments! But yes, maybe it was the wrong time to wear it or let’s say I finally had to figure out the most embarrassing moment of my life, so this happened!

LEARNING: NEVER GO TO THE MESS IN YOUR HOSTEL DRESS DURING COLLEGE HOURS. A STRICT NO, EVEN IF YOU ARE UNWELL!

Love is perhaps the most sought after topic that we college students discuss about. As folklore says “love sets in as we reach the threshold of leaving our teens”. Be it anyone or rather I should say everyone, experiences this mysterious feeling by this time. I say mysterious cause nobody actually knows as to what it is! Things unexpectedly change around us. The whole lot seems fresh and extraordinary. When love is in air “one forgets everything”. One doesn’t feel like eating, studying or doing anything apart from thinking and thinking. And if you ask thinking about what, the individual doesn’t know even that. Romantic songs and poetry follows next. Both our conscious and sub conscious mind is taken over.

The dictionary defines love as “to feel tender affection for somebody such as a close relative or friend” or “to like someone very much”. But is love just this? I think love is much more than this. Love isn’t just about roaming with your beloved all day long. It’s not just about exchanging cards or gift on Valentines Day. It’s not just talking on phone for nights. All this invoke a feeling of closeness, but true love not far to see at this stage.

True love sets in when two different people start liking each other because they are different. Forget about the merits even the shortcomings appear worth admiring. This admiration comes from within and even words fall short when trying to explain it. Perhaps this is why love is called a language of hearts. This feeling of love is pure and divine. Something which can just be sensed and not explicated. Dedication and selfless devotion to relationship is what love demands.

In my outlook the best phase of love is observed in old age. This is the time when all the glamour is gone and what stays behind is pure love. I remember some days back I had seen an old couple who were out for a walk. They were holding hands. The lady had some problem in her leg and wasn’t able to walk properly. And her counterpart was there for her, to hold her, at each step she took. This was the cutest pair I had ever seen.

There are no formalities. The lady doesn’t have to put up make up neither she has to dress in trendy clothes nor the man has to put up a cool hair style. She would see him as the best man on this planet even with his stupid hairstyle. He doesn’t have to bring expensive gifts for her; just words of appreciation would work wonders. Silence says many a things which is difficult for even words to explain.

If one of the two is ill, the other one takes good care. One forgets his own medicines, but keeps a track of every small necessity of hers. Even a sneeze of her would make him worried, and even in this pathetic condition she would get up and cook for him while he is busy buying medicines for her.

There are fights too. And these are the sweetest ones. They stop talking to each other. But the regular activities take place in usual flow. His breakfast is served before he even asks for it. And he switches the TV to her favourite serial which usually he never does. They both keep a mum. But even in this silence, they take care of each other so well. Both of them wait for just one initiation. And once initiated, there are unending talks.

They don’t even have to spend a lot like the youngsters do in their so called anniversaries. Just a card without even addressing it to your beloved would say all that is unsaid. And the best time would not be going out to some fancy restaurant but just sitting by each others side in a park and looking down upon all the beautiful times they have ever spent together.

This is true love and a stunning experience.

It is lovely to be in love. And it is even lovelier to grow old with someone.

23rd august 2005, I had my physics test that day. I and my brother returned home by 1:30 pm as usual. But there was something unusual that day. My maternal uncle’s staff was there to accompany us to home. I was a bit puzzled on seeing him there. But I thought may be because dadu was hospitalised, he was there to take us to the hospital. All through our way to home, he talked normally to me and asked which course, as in PCM or PCB I had opted for.

As soon as I reached home, I saw a number of slippers lying outside my residence. Mama was standing outside to receive us. I was blank for a moment. I was getting a feel as to what could have had happened but by no means I wanted to consider the thoughts that was creeping into my mind. He held my hand and told me to come inside. I clasped him firmly and took a few steps towards home and even before I entered, I saw something from the door that was open. There laid the dead body of the person I loved the most. My dadu was no more. I was dumbstruck. It appeared as if the whole world had come to a standstill at that very moment. My heartbeats were abnormally rapid, whole body shivered and I felt as if the blood inside me free zed. I strongly held mama’s stomach and tried my best not enter my own dwelling. Everything had ended. I knew that dadu wasn’t well, but I had never imagined in my wildest dream that something like this can ever happen. This was for the very first time I saw the ultimate phenomenon, “death”, so closely.

Both my brother and I somehow entered lobby. My brother who was then in class 7th, hugged mummy very tightly. He didn’t speak a word as tears continuously rolled down his cheek. And I lay down on the ground trying to still accept this grief. I was out crying and cursing the doctor who had treated him lastly. But all this was in vain because he has no more and this was the soul reality. I was not in a position to see his dead body again. I covered my face with my hands to make sure that I didn’t even get a sight of this appalling truth as everybody took me inside my room. For the next few hours I kept on crying and asking mummy as to how something like this can happen. Everybody was crying and still consoling each other. One of my aunts from neighbourhood asked me to be strong but how could I strong knowing the fact that I had lost the most precious thing of my life. Mummy took me to dadi. She was surrounded by my relatives. Her eyes had swelled and she held me very securely as I came towards her. I just lay on her lap crying. She said that I should act courageously and I wondered as to how someone who just lost her husband, her better half, could act strong. And then I realised that perhaps this is the bitter part of life, where we don’t die for the ones who leave us but live for the ones who are with us.

After that all the rituals followed. Panditji asked me to put gangajal and some other thing in his mouth. I had covered my face with one of my hands and performed all the rituals with the another. His whole body was decorated with flowers and something was written on his forehead with sandal paste. I didn’t want to see him like this. And not for a moment I felt that he was dead. I felt as if he was still breathing.

He was taken downstairs. Everyone followed and even I did. “Ram nam satya hai” was the slogan in air. I felt so helpless. The one I loved was leaving me like this and I could do nothing but cry. He was departing for ever. When his body was put in ambulance, I held his feet. It was very cold and this was my last touch. I knew that this was for the last time I was seeing him, touching him but I couldn’t do anything.

I cried and cried for that whole day. I didn’t know what to do. I was remembered of all the times we had spent together. All those moments of happiness, sorrow & fun was coming before my eyes. I had lost a very precious relationship of my life.

The next few days were even more difficult for me. Relatives from all over came at our place. Papa wore a cream coloured dhoti and had a chadar for the next few days. Everyday some or the other rituals were performed reminding us again and again that dadu was no more. There were phone calls from all over and everyone with the same questions as to how this happened. Each time dadi met with any of our relatives, she cried her heart out. There was an unbearable pain in the vicinity. I felt like running away from my own place.

But the most difficult time was yet to follow. After all my relatives had left, we faced a melancholic period. The entire house seemed so quiet. His daily use items, clothes, his books, his writings each and everything was scattered all over and everything reminded me of him. It was impossible for me to believe that he was no more. I always felt that it was due to the mistakes of doctor. I scrutinized the expiry dates of the medicines that were given to him on the last day. It was stupid of me to do this because he was taken to best heart hospital and the doctors must have had their level best to save his life but somehow I could not believe as to how he could die.


I knew that he had developed this heart problem an year back but he was perfectly fine as of now. I still remember the first time he was hospitalised, mummy said to me that he had hypertension and pumping rate of his heart had decreased to 15% and this was something which could not be cured but we could maintain it as the same through medication. Both I and my brother were given clear instruction that we should not fight or indulge in any activity in front of him that could lead to tension of any kind. He was given a strict diet that was free from cholesterol. But all of these didn’t help much. All this made him stable but not to a very great extent. Every now and then he suffered heart pain. Although it subsided after giving the prescribed medicine, but his condition was deteriorating day by day. In the mean time papa had bought a flat in
Ashiana and we shifted there. Perhaps papa very well knew that dadu would not live for long so he took this decision of shifting to our flat.


He was really excited about our new flat. And this started to reflect in his health too. His condition started to become better. After a few months papa even took him to Gangaram Hospital, New Delhi, to make sure that he was provided with the best possible medication. When he came back there was a remarkable improvement. He was given a new diet chart and a new set of medicines. His entire day’s water consumption was restricted to 1 lt. It was not that after this he didn’t suffer any problem, he did suffer but to a lesser extent. The reports showed that his pumping rate had decreased to 11%. This meant that his heart did not pump out entire blood that was pumped in. He was given injections to pump blood out of his heart.


I remember during my summer vacations I had gone to my cousin’s place to join some course and I had to return back the next day to collect some related document. I was out just for a day but on seeing me he started to cry. He said babu, please don’t go away, and don’t leave me alone. And I didn’t go. He was getting a feel from within that his life in moving towards an end but he had a desire to live. On my brother’s birthday, 16th may 2005, he again suffered acute chest pain. All our relatives had come to attend his birthday party and there he lay in pain. He was given injection after which his condition became stable. He came out of his room, saw saurabh cut the cake. I was taking snaps and then I noticed that he was crying. It seemed that he knew that this was for the last time he was attending his grandson’s birthday. He was craving to live but his body wasn’t supporting him.

But after 16th may, he didn’t have any serious problem. His conditions became much better. But perhaps this wasn’t the reality. His heart was growing feeble from within. On 22nd august, he had woken up very early. I was about to leave for school when he called me. He asked me to touch his for head and to ensure if he had fever. I did the same and told him that he would be fine soon. This was my last talk with him. When I returned back from school, he had already taken to hospital as he complained of severe chest pain. The next day I had a physics exam and so I couldn’t even go to meet him. And when I returned back from school on 23rd, everything had ended. He was no more.



Dadu was more than a grandfather to me. He was like a good friend, philosopher and guide. He always taught me to do good to others, respect others and love others. He had a story for every situation I guess. And by this way he made me understand the realities of life. He wrote vey well. At that time I was very small to understand his poems but now I can clearly sense the pain which lies behind them. He was a self made man. He had risen up from very adverse situation. His life is beyond doubt an inspiration for me.



Even today I dream of him. And whenever I see him, he is not dead. And this is possibly because he is still alive in my memory. The times spend with him was definitely the best time of my life where I got to learn so much.

I MISS U DADU AND I WILL ALWAYS DO.

Suddenly the world seems so new
Things have started changing
And the grey sky seems blue.


I feel like flying,
And may be reaching the top of the world.
I feel like discovering all those undiscovered,
And finding the expanses of this world.
I feel like walking on lonely streets,
And think about what I want from life.
I feel like questioning myself,
And then searching for the answers my questions.


I feel like appreciating each and every creation of god,
And see the beauty that lies within.
I feel like trusting people,
And believing in all their good.
I feel like exploring the various phases of every relation of my life,
And thanking god for all one of them.
I feel like accepting things as they are,
And realising that everything happens for a reason.

In the last behavioural science class, we were asked to identify one relationship of our life and write down at which stage of relationship development we were.
The five stages namely initiation, exploration, intensification, intimacy and relationship break up. And just after this I started to wonder as to which stage I am in.

As far as I can guess, be it any relation of mine, I am in second stage, exploration.
When I lived with my parents, I thought that I was clever enough to deal with this world. But as always I was proved wrong. My real journey began when I stepped out into this world almost two years back. Life has been tougher since then. Things now don’t seem as they appear to be.

In these two years I met with a variety of people. I say “variety” because I had never imagined that people can be so different in every respect. Be it language, sense of understanding, maturity level and other spheres of life, I perhaps met with one of all these kinds.

Since then I have been exploring. I say so because I don’t feel confident anymore. My trust seems shaken sometimes. The people I trust the most hurt me the most. People no more turn out to be the way I expect them to be. Its not that I expect too much but the little that I do is also not fulfilled.

I now feel lost in this world. I feel that I am like a child who had just begun to learn about the truths of life. I am not depressed but a bit astonished to see the other side of life which presently appears totally fake to me. My parents always made me aware of the adversities of life. I knew that life wasn’t undemanding as it appeared to be but I hadn’t expected it to be this way either.

Each day is a new journey for me. Each moment brings a new learning for me. Life is unfolding itself slowly with new surprises waiting for me at each step. I am completely black right now. I have so much still I feel empty. I have everybody but still I feel lonely. Perhaps I am not that smart to deal with smarter people around me. I am now exploring each relation of my life. And irony is that the deeper I try to explore the more confused I get. Everything seems so complicated. I encounter with a new aspect of truth everyday and by the time I try to accept it, another one is waiting for me. I sometimes feel that I think too much but the fact is that I am not able to accept this harsh face of life.