23rd august 2005, I had my physics test that day. I and my brother returned home by 1:30 pm as usual. But there was something unusual that day. My maternal uncle’s staff was there to accompany us to home. I was a bit puzzled on seeing him there. But I thought may be because dadu was hospitalised, he was there to take us to the hospital. All through our way to home, he talked normally to me and asked which course, as in PCM or PCB I had opted for.

As soon as I reached home, I saw a number of slippers lying outside my residence. Mama was standing outside to receive us. I was blank for a moment. I was getting a feel as to what could have had happened but by no means I wanted to consider the thoughts that was creeping into my mind. He held my hand and told me to come inside. I clasped him firmly and took a few steps towards home and even before I entered, I saw something from the door that was open. There laid the dead body of the person I loved the most. My dadu was no more. I was dumbstruck. It appeared as if the whole world had come to a standstill at that very moment. My heartbeats were abnormally rapid, whole body shivered and I felt as if the blood inside me free zed. I strongly held mama’s stomach and tried my best not enter my own dwelling. Everything had ended. I knew that dadu wasn’t well, but I had never imagined in my wildest dream that something like this can ever happen. This was for the very first time I saw the ultimate phenomenon, “death”, so closely.

Both my brother and I somehow entered lobby. My brother who was then in class 7th, hugged mummy very tightly. He didn’t speak a word as tears continuously rolled down his cheek. And I lay down on the ground trying to still accept this grief. I was out crying and cursing the doctor who had treated him lastly. But all this was in vain because he has no more and this was the soul reality. I was not in a position to see his dead body again. I covered my face with my hands to make sure that I didn’t even get a sight of this appalling truth as everybody took me inside my room. For the next few hours I kept on crying and asking mummy as to how something like this can happen. Everybody was crying and still consoling each other. One of my aunts from neighbourhood asked me to be strong but how could I strong knowing the fact that I had lost the most precious thing of my life. Mummy took me to dadi. She was surrounded by my relatives. Her eyes had swelled and she held me very securely as I came towards her. I just lay on her lap crying. She said that I should act courageously and I wondered as to how someone who just lost her husband, her better half, could act strong. And then I realised that perhaps this is the bitter part of life, where we don’t die for the ones who leave us but live for the ones who are with us.

After that all the rituals followed. Panditji asked me to put gangajal and some other thing in his mouth. I had covered my face with one of my hands and performed all the rituals with the another. His whole body was decorated with flowers and something was written on his forehead with sandal paste. I didn’t want to see him like this. And not for a moment I felt that he was dead. I felt as if he was still breathing.

He was taken downstairs. Everyone followed and even I did. “Ram nam satya hai” was the slogan in air. I felt so helpless. The one I loved was leaving me like this and I could do nothing but cry. He was departing for ever. When his body was put in ambulance, I held his feet. It was very cold and this was my last touch. I knew that this was for the last time I was seeing him, touching him but I couldn’t do anything.

I cried and cried for that whole day. I didn’t know what to do. I was remembered of all the times we had spent together. All those moments of happiness, sorrow & fun was coming before my eyes. I had lost a very precious relationship of my life.

The next few days were even more difficult for me. Relatives from all over came at our place. Papa wore a cream coloured dhoti and had a chadar for the next few days. Everyday some or the other rituals were performed reminding us again and again that dadu was no more. There were phone calls from all over and everyone with the same questions as to how this happened. Each time dadi met with any of our relatives, she cried her heart out. There was an unbearable pain in the vicinity. I felt like running away from my own place.

But the most difficult time was yet to follow. After all my relatives had left, we faced a melancholic period. The entire house seemed so quiet. His daily use items, clothes, his books, his writings each and everything was scattered all over and everything reminded me of him. It was impossible for me to believe that he was no more. I always felt that it was due to the mistakes of doctor. I scrutinized the expiry dates of the medicines that were given to him on the last day. It was stupid of me to do this because he was taken to best heart hospital and the doctors must have had their level best to save his life but somehow I could not believe as to how he could die.


I knew that he had developed this heart problem an year back but he was perfectly fine as of now. I still remember the first time he was hospitalised, mummy said to me that he had hypertension and pumping rate of his heart had decreased to 15% and this was something which could not be cured but we could maintain it as the same through medication. Both I and my brother were given clear instruction that we should not fight or indulge in any activity in front of him that could lead to tension of any kind. He was given a strict diet that was free from cholesterol. But all of these didn’t help much. All this made him stable but not to a very great extent. Every now and then he suffered heart pain. Although it subsided after giving the prescribed medicine, but his condition was deteriorating day by day. In the mean time papa had bought a flat in
Ashiana and we shifted there. Perhaps papa very well knew that dadu would not live for long so he took this decision of shifting to our flat.


He was really excited about our new flat. And this started to reflect in his health too. His condition started to become better. After a few months papa even took him to Gangaram Hospital, New Delhi, to make sure that he was provided with the best possible medication. When he came back there was a remarkable improvement. He was given a new diet chart and a new set of medicines. His entire day’s water consumption was restricted to 1 lt. It was not that after this he didn’t suffer any problem, he did suffer but to a lesser extent. The reports showed that his pumping rate had decreased to 11%. This meant that his heart did not pump out entire blood that was pumped in. He was given injections to pump blood out of his heart.


I remember during my summer vacations I had gone to my cousin’s place to join some course and I had to return back the next day to collect some related document. I was out just for a day but on seeing me he started to cry. He said babu, please don’t go away, and don’t leave me alone. And I didn’t go. He was getting a feel from within that his life in moving towards an end but he had a desire to live. On my brother’s birthday, 16th may 2005, he again suffered acute chest pain. All our relatives had come to attend his birthday party and there he lay in pain. He was given injection after which his condition became stable. He came out of his room, saw saurabh cut the cake. I was taking snaps and then I noticed that he was crying. It seemed that he knew that this was for the last time he was attending his grandson’s birthday. He was craving to live but his body wasn’t supporting him.

But after 16th may, he didn’t have any serious problem. His conditions became much better. But perhaps this wasn’t the reality. His heart was growing feeble from within. On 22nd august, he had woken up very early. I was about to leave for school when he called me. He asked me to touch his for head and to ensure if he had fever. I did the same and told him that he would be fine soon. This was my last talk with him. When I returned back from school, he had already taken to hospital as he complained of severe chest pain. The next day I had a physics exam and so I couldn’t even go to meet him. And when I returned back from school on 23rd, everything had ended. He was no more.



Dadu was more than a grandfather to me. He was like a good friend, philosopher and guide. He always taught me to do good to others, respect others and love others. He had a story for every situation I guess. And by this way he made me understand the realities of life. He wrote vey well. At that time I was very small to understand his poems but now I can clearly sense the pain which lies behind them. He was a self made man. He had risen up from very adverse situation. His life is beyond doubt an inspiration for me.



Even today I dream of him. And whenever I see him, he is not dead. And this is possibly because he is still alive in my memory. The times spend with him was definitely the best time of my life where I got to learn so much.

I MISS U DADU AND I WILL ALWAYS DO.

Suddenly the world seems so new
Things have started changing
And the grey sky seems blue.


I feel like flying,
And may be reaching the top of the world.
I feel like discovering all those undiscovered,
And finding the expanses of this world.
I feel like walking on lonely streets,
And think about what I want from life.
I feel like questioning myself,
And then searching for the answers my questions.


I feel like appreciating each and every creation of god,
And see the beauty that lies within.
I feel like trusting people,
And believing in all their good.
I feel like exploring the various phases of every relation of my life,
And thanking god for all one of them.
I feel like accepting things as they are,
And realising that everything happens for a reason.

In the last behavioural science class, we were asked to identify one relationship of our life and write down at which stage of relationship development we were.
The five stages namely initiation, exploration, intensification, intimacy and relationship break up. And just after this I started to wonder as to which stage I am in.

As far as I can guess, be it any relation of mine, I am in second stage, exploration.
When I lived with my parents, I thought that I was clever enough to deal with this world. But as always I was proved wrong. My real journey began when I stepped out into this world almost two years back. Life has been tougher since then. Things now don’t seem as they appear to be.

In these two years I met with a variety of people. I say “variety” because I had never imagined that people can be so different in every respect. Be it language, sense of understanding, maturity level and other spheres of life, I perhaps met with one of all these kinds.

Since then I have been exploring. I say so because I don’t feel confident anymore. My trust seems shaken sometimes. The people I trust the most hurt me the most. People no more turn out to be the way I expect them to be. Its not that I expect too much but the little that I do is also not fulfilled.

I now feel lost in this world. I feel that I am like a child who had just begun to learn about the truths of life. I am not depressed but a bit astonished to see the other side of life which presently appears totally fake to me. My parents always made me aware of the adversities of life. I knew that life wasn’t undemanding as it appeared to be but I hadn’t expected it to be this way either.

Each day is a new journey for me. Each moment brings a new learning for me. Life is unfolding itself slowly with new surprises waiting for me at each step. I am completely black right now. I have so much still I feel empty. I have everybody but still I feel lonely. Perhaps I am not that smart to deal with smarter people around me. I am now exploring each relation of my life. And irony is that the deeper I try to explore the more confused I get. Everything seems so complicated. I encounter with a new aspect of truth everyday and by the time I try to accept it, another one is waiting for me. I sometimes feel that I think too much but the fact is that I am not able to accept this harsh face of life.

Some days back I had seen a dream,
A dream which comprised of you and me,
A dream where I cared for you, I lived for you,
Where I loved you because you were you.

A dream where your radiating smile made my day,
Where your gestures made me feel special,
Where you listened to my silly talks without complaints,
Where your love filled all voids of my life and made me complete.

This dream was like a fantasy to me,
And I was the princess of this fairyland.
I was joyful in my world,
But alas! I got to know that this was just a dream not reality.
A reality where you had your own world,
And most importantly your own “love”.

I cried and complained to god,
For not making my dream true,
God smiled and said to me:-
It’s true that he doesn’t love you,
But your love is a success,
Cause you love him with a true heart,
You love him knowing that he is just a dream not reality,
And thus you will be rewarded,
By a person who will love you more than you love yourself,
God said that my dream would always remain incomplete,
But I would be rewarded with a reality which would be more beautiful than my dream.

It has been almost two years since I left home. Taking up engineering as and hostel life was entirely my own decision. I wanted to take a year drop and prepare for the various competitive examinations but somehow situations were not in my favour and I had no option but to take admission in Amity University. I don’t regret my decision but somewhere I feel that my luck did not support me enough and perhaps I deserved better. Anyways it has been two years since then and now I feel that my decision was correct.

Initially when I joined college, big surprises were always ready for me. I had always imagined hostel as a luxurious place but to my surprise, I was allotted a seat in a four seater room. Adjusting with one is possible but when you have to adjust with three girls, things are not so easy to deal with! Hostel life was an entirely new experience for me. Standing in long queue for food and even for washroom annoyed me a lot. When I was with my parents I hardly even bothered to wash my clothes but here from clothes to studies to arranging my room and everything else, I had to manage it myself. In the first month I had spent most of my time crying. I remember once I was crying in washroom and perhaps I didn’t notice that I was loud enough to be heard and someone passing bye started shouting as to who is crying inside…what an embarrassment! I stopped immediately.

But after a month or so, I started feeling good. I made new friends and I started liking my new life. Outings, late night studies, writing lengthy assignments, long chats with friends, bunking classes etc. became an integral part of my daily schedule. I didn’t even notice as to when the first year of my college passed but it taught me lessons for my life.

Lesson no 1- Do not trust everyone. The person whom you trust blindly may be the one who would create problems for you.

Lesson no 2- It is advisable to speak up if you have a problem with someone because keeping silent won’t help and people would take advantage of you.

Lesson no3- Not every one you talk to is your friend. Select your friends carefully.

Lesson no 4- Enjoy your life completely but at the end of year what matters is a good result so never ignore studies for even a moment.

Lesson no 5- Manage your time well.

Lesson no 6- Don’t compete with others but try competing with yourself. Set your own goals and rules for life.

Lesson no 7- Manage your expenses well!



I made lessons for life but was a bit late in doing so. I say so because I was admitted to Amity University at a scholarship of 50% which I received for the first year of college, but from a very small margin, I couldn’t continue it for my second year.


Anyways second year began and I was focussed from the very beginning. I started taking all my decisions carefully because I was in mood to repeat the mistakes I had committed earlier. My attitude towards dealing with people changed a bit. Some may call me rude but I love myself for what I am today. One thing I understood was that it is very necessary to judge people correctly…be good to the ones who are good to you but be tough whenever and wherever required.
I became more inclined to academics because I need to regain back my scholarship back.

My life has changed a lot in the last two years. I clearly understand the importance of family, friends and relations now. Sometimes when you miss something in life, you get to know its true value and that is why today I value each one associated with me. Though everyone around me feels that I am innocent and perhaps not strong enough to face this cruel world, I know that I am preparing my self for both the “best” and the “worst” of situations. I enjoy each and every moment of my life sssssbecause I know this time will never come back in my life. I have so many colours in my life at present each holds it special place. Each day is a new journey in the sea of life…filled with so many new experiences and challenges.





.

I always thought I was poor,
Until I saw my maid eat the food I had thrown because it had turned sour.
I always thought I was deprived,
Until I saw my driver take away the stationary for his kids that I had disposed off.
I always thought I was unfortunate,
Until I saw my maid’s daughter wearing my dress which had turned outdated.
I always thought I was underprivileged,
Until I saw a boy of my brother’s age riding a rickshaw to earn his living.
I always thought I was sorrowful,
Until I meet with a child who had lost his parents in an accident.
I always thought I was discontented,
Until I meet a man who had all luxuries but nobody to care of him in his old age.
And then I realised,
That I am well-to-do,
Rich with resources,
Blessed with a loving family and friends,
I am not discontented any more,
Cause I have everything from resources to relations, from family to friends,
I have understood that God made me privileged so that I can help others in distress,
So that I can love and respect every human, and help them in anyway I can.

THE DEATH OF A HERO

The word hero here doesn’t refer to someone who acts to be a saviour but it refers to someone who in real sense works for the betterment of his people and country on a whole. If a census is conducted, it is for sure that most of the youngsters would choose to be reel hero’s rather than real life hero’s. Most of the students opt for engineering, medical sciences and activities related to private firms as a career option but how many of us want to serve our country by joining civil services? The answer is obviously a very few. And if someone, very talented and perhaps very honest wants to take up this challenge, law makers or rather the supreme powers of the country, ‘the politicians’ , crush him to death. This is the story of rising and falling of a hero whose honesty priced him his life.

Gautam Goswami a 1991 batch IAS officer, an MBBS and MD from BHU was appointed as the DM of Bihar in 2004. The problems which Bihar faced and that time and perhaps even now comprised of poverty, lack of education among the masses, unemployment but to top the list was the uncontrolled crime and the state’s inability to cope with any kind of disaster.

When flash floods hit the Indian state of Bihar in July, millions of people were displaced from their homes, many without access to food or drinking water. A catastrophe was looming, and Gautam Goswami did more than anyone to avert it. As the district magistrate—the top bureaucrat—in Patna, Bihar's capital, Goswami coordinated a massive relief effort that involved the Indian government, army and international aid agencies. At 4:30 each morning, Goswami was at Patna's airport hangar, seeing off helicopters loaded with food, drinking water, tents and medical supplies; then he made sure truck convoys headed off to areas that could be reached by land. Goswami, 38, and his team toiled for a month, until the floods receded and the displaced returned home.

Many Indians view this territory—which is infested with gangsters and Marxist guerrillas—as a basket case beyond redemption. But Goswami helped to save it. For example, after three successive parliamentary elections in Patna had to be both partially or entirely countermanded because of violence and electoral fraud, Goswami was put in charge of the ballot in 1999. He barricaded Patna, so that gunmen in cars couldn't enter the city, and set up telephone lines for citizens to call in with complaints. In 1999 and 2004, with Goswami as the overseer, Patna had the two fairest elections it had seen in years. During an election rally in 2004, he stopped the then home minister Lal Krishna Advani from continuing his speech referring to the election commission’s model code of conduct which prohibited the use of public address system after 10pm. For his works, he was selected one of the 20 Asian Heroes by TIME magazine.

Goswami later quit the IAS and joined a private firm much before his resignation was accepted. In the meantime his name figured in an FIR lodged in connection with the bungling of Rs 18crore meant for providing relief to flood affected people in 2004. The state government suspended and he finally surrendered in a Patna court.

"God provided me this opportunity to serve the people," said Goswami, who, after being released from jail on bail is serving with the headquarters under department of personnel and administrative reforms. "Since I am yet to get a posting, I have plenty of time and I want to utilise it in the service of humanity," Goswami told adding this would also satisfy him. "If Dr B C Roy being chief minister of West Bengal and Dr C P Thakur being Union health minister could see patients, I also want to follow their footsteps," he said. Stressing on qualitative treatment, Goswami said in private there are very few physicians exclusively treating HIV/AIDS patients. Like its treatment, the counselling is also expensive. Counselling, he said, is a big part of the treatment and "I’m here to provide free of cost." At Vaccine House in Lok Nayak Jayaprakash Narayn Bhavan, he gave two-hour time four days a week. On Saturdays and Sundays, he was available from 10 to 12 noon and on Wednesdays and Thursday between 6 to 8 pm.
Goswami was diagnosed to be suffering from pancreatic cancer in early 2008. Last month the state government revoked his suspension on humanitarian grounds. He breathed his last on Tuesday 6th January 2009 after prolonged illness.


An educated person or rather I should say a scholar died and our country lost a gem that would have surely helped our country flourish. This is not the first time a talented person was involved in a scam and his entire career and most of all his life was ruined but every time when someone tries to work for the betterment of Bihar, he is crushed. The people who were really involved in the flood scam are still free, free to live but the blame was put on the shoulders of an innocent who had worked the most to make Bihar a better place to live in. Welcome to a country where most wanted criminals are given seats in elections, criminals like Moinder Singh Pandheer are given a clean chit and able IAS officers like Goswami are accused of scams and put behind bars.